edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. She�s a girl in the world, she�s moving as fast as she goes. Loves her mum and her dad, the only secure that she knows. But at night she�s alone, she�s dreaming of somebody new, her someone, for to hold, she�s praying the dream will come true. Show me the way, help me be brave, tell me how. What do you say? There�s a pain in her heart, she�s trying so hard to unwind, makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind, want�s to break thru the fear, erase the scars from within. Start a new kind of being, she�s down and she�s praying again. You see, she�s turning the key unlocking the door; embracing the roller coaster world, stepping outside, body and soul, taking whatever the future holds. We�ve all been hurt before. Today was not a good day. I am constantly being compared to a co-worker. My seniors think I am there to entertain them. I am not the other teacher, although I look to her as an example of what I want to become, and I value her as a friend. This is my class. We�ll have tests on all the chapters in the unit, because that�s the way I want it. Supply and demand are inter-related, cannot be separated. Inverse, direct, positive, negatives, schedules, etc, ad nausea. You would think I was teaching Algebra. Why aren�t the tests graded Ms. Eden? I have a life, as simple and miserable as it may be, and when I go home at night, I don�t like to take my work with me. Your tests will come soon enough. I like to sleep, bathe, exercise, think, you know try to take care of myself. Reva asked me the other day how long I would last in the public school? She thinks I�m already at burn out stage. I don�t think I am. Just very overwhelmed is all. I feel the same way now, as I felt when I first went to Bulgaria. I know what I want to do, and where I want to be, but it�s just a process of getting there. Just like when I was learning to speak Bulgarian. I had to go a day at a time. It�s a day at a time, looking back on this first month of teaching; I can see the things I�ve learned. But it would be nice if I didn�t have 100, 17 year olds constantly reminding me of my inadequacies. My �miserable� life and I say that as such, because all things are relative. I am sad. I feel as if a pall of sadness has descended on me and I don�t know how to get out from under it. People tell me, well, �Just don�t think about Lev.� Easier said than done. In the times that I am alone, I find myself tripping over the events leading up to, during, and in the aftermath of our relationship. I think of the different things we both could have done. I think of the things that we are now doing. I think of how actions still hurt. I came to several conclusions about him today that do not sit well with me, but I know are true. It�s upsetting that I put my trust in him, only to have it all torn to pieces. I feel that I made myself available to him, that he took advantage of it for a short time. Maybe I expect too much of my friends? It hurts when expectations are not fulfilled. Maybe I just need to learn that not all people keep promises, or live up to expectations. I know this is hard for me to understand. I rarely slack off. I put 100%, into what ever I am doing. I just expect that those I choose to let into the inner circle will do the same. I see things in Black and White. Yet, I am in a huge pool of gray at the present. I was just a distraction to him. That makes me feel about as important as a dead bug. I played Little Red Riding Hood in Into the Woods in college. Red gets swallowed by the Wolf. When she is freed from the Wolf�s stomach she makes several realizations... �He showed me things, many beautiful things that I hadn�t thought to explore. They were off my path so I never had dared. I had been so careful I never had dared, and then he made me feel exited � well excited and scared. Once his teeth were bared, then I really got scared, and he swallowed me down, down a dark slimy path, where lie secrets that I never want to know. So I waited in the dark until someone set me free, now I�m back in the light, and I�m back at the start. And I know things now, many valuable things that I hadn�t known before. Do not put your trust in a cape and a hood, they will not protect you the way that they should. And take extra care with strangers, even flowers have their dangers. And though scary is exciting nice is different than good.� �Hi, my name is Red Riding Hood; I�ve just come out of the Wolf�s stomach. Excuse me while I clean up.� 10:36 p.m. - September 03, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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