edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emotions setting in Day 2 The emotions are setting in. Last night, I went to see the counselor at church. He was very helpful. He didn�t give me any sort of earth shattering advice about my situation, but he did give me comfort and hope. I was able to eat and sleep when I got home too. I didn�t realize how physically taxed I�d been over the 24 hours, until I stepped on the scale. I lost 3 pounds in 24 hours. I am still a good person. I gave, I loved, I allowed myself to be loved. I guess that is where the pain lies. I am in love with someone who chose someone else. I feel that he put himself in a situation that he would falter in. The irony is that I feared that the distance that separated us is what would eventually tempt me. I thought I would be the weak one. How ironic. I also feel that I was not dealt with honestly. The honesty only came after I begged and pleaded. I know he was trying to spare my feelings, but it didn�t, it only makes them hurt more. I asked him point blank a week ago, �Do you love someone else?� He said no. Sunday as I spoke with him on the phone, he was preparing dinner for her. He told me he loved me. Odd? Looking back at the time line of events, when I re-read his Diaryland, I wonder, was he writing about her or me? Then there is the question of �her�. Did she pressure him? She knew I was part of his life. Why couldn�t she leave well enough alone? Why couldn�t he have been a bit more patient? Why couldn�t he have put what he wanted aside, or tried to see the bigger picture, instead of the immediate present. Where was the faith that he promised to pray for? It hurt for me to be so far away too. Every time I hung up the phone, I cried. I wept at night into my pillow; thoughts of him graced my mind. I only thought was to be with him. I was looking forward to a life together. So many words were said; things that I realize now shouldn�t have been said. Promises never to be kept. This is where my anger comes from. By nature I am not an angry person. I don�t know how to deal with the anger. It makes me feel like I�ve lost control. The emotions came today. I broke down at school. It was during my prep hour. A little �practical joke� played on me by a co-worker tipped my scales. I could not stop sobbing. Of course I was terribly embarrassed. The joker was embarrassed as well. As she and her accomplice slinked off all they could say was sorry. How can they be though? They have no idea. No idea. Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness. I�ve never been so thankful for a Friday in my life. Of course, about a month ago, I had planned to go up to where he lives to surprise him this weekend. I'm not now. He already has a nice little date planned with her. I�ll be watching Breakfast at Tiffany�s this weekend. I only watch in after break-ups. My good friend Reva is going to watch it with me. We talked for hours tonight. She was no end of comfort and joy. I would like to say as a final thought for this entry; I don�t feel frantic or hopeless about the situation that I now find myself in. I am just looking for answers. I just want to know, why am I at this place again? Is there some lesson I am not learning? If so, I would like to learn it and move on. I am trying to find peace and love for my good friend. I don�t want to hate him. We have many good memories of our friendship, and I don�t want to become embittered and have those memories ruined. The next few days will surely tell as I work through my feelings. Thanks to all of you who have emailed and left messages. You thoughts and words are kindly appreciated. 12:05 a.m. - August 23, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||