edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The girl with the Soft hands �Sometimes people leave you half way thru the woods. Do not let it grieve you, you decide what�s good. You decide alone, no one is alone. Hard to see the light now, say the slightest words, it will turn out right now, you decide for good, no one is alone, you are not alone.� Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods I am back. It�s funny, every time I try to break from Diaryland, I am some how drawn back into it by a feeling to purge and rid myself of what is on my mind and in my heart. To a group of strangers no less. I will now say what is on my mind and in my heart. I don�t do this for sympathy, I do it for myself. I have had a tumultuous 4 weeks. For many reasons. I�ll spare the reasons relating to my job. They are trite at best. And besides who wants to hear story after story of teenaged, lust and angst. I will talk about what has been in my heart for the last few days. Yes, it is a matter of the heart. The miracle is over. What I thought would happen with my good friend is not, my life, in an evening changed. I felt right about a relationship all along. I cannot however make anyone do something that they do not want. I am living with the consequences of my choices. A choice not to move away from home; a choice not to jump into the unknown. And lest you think that these were choices on my side only, they were not. We both could have made them, we both could have demanded from the other. He will have to live with the consequences of his choices, what ever they may be as I will with mine. Is there any hope for reconciliation? I do not know, I wish, but I can�t say. All I can say at this point is I am mad. Do I want him to hurt? Yes. But he has hurt enough. The long term, changed for the short term. Words exchanged, many times are not what they mean. An �I love you� one day, does not mean the same the next. A question posed regarding tender feelings about another, might be hidden in the desire to protect the feelings of the person asking the question. Honesty. I don�t know what I am going to do next with my life. I don�t know what direction I am to go. I have my work and as stressful as it is, I do gain satisfaction from it. The thought of having someone, a good friend, to share it with was wonderful, a blessing not to be taken lightly. I didn�t and yet I feel that it has been and was. Miracles in right field, the edge of eternity are soon forgotten when they are miles away. I will cherish the memories, the words that I have. This is all for now, for today anyway. I know I�m not alone. I don�t feel alone. I�m just lost in the woods, and have to find my way out. I�ve done it before, I�ll do it again. ~~The girl with the soft hands. 2:10 p.m. - August 21, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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