edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The situation regarding my personal life I am, unmotivated. I think that I am taking �Summer Vacation� to the maximum and multiplying it by 6.02 x 10 (23) (but not romantically � that is for you, Toast). I however am not with out cares. In fact, now that I have so much time on my hands, I have time to really think about my life and where I am at. Am I where I want to be? In some ways yes, I am very happy and quite content; in others, I am suffering to the point of exhaustion. What am I doing about it? I have been working on the professional aspect of my life for the last year and a half, and am finally seeing some of the fruits of my labors. This is a good feeling; it makes me want to do the much missed, Toyota jump! �Oh what a feeling, TOYOTA!� Emotionally and spiritually, I am fair; and I think that is a generous assessment of the situation. I know what I need to be doing and should be doing in these areas, but oft times find myself totally unmotivated to even do simple things like pick up my Bible and read a passage here and there every day. Socially, I am in the dregs and the utter doldrums of my life. It�s hard to be the person that I am, pushing 30 and still single. To some members of my family, and acquaintances this is horrible. Case in point; Saturday, a member of my church and his wife, had some of the young single adults over to their house for, what I will term, a group blind date. I, unknowingly, was invited. The gentleman called my house wondering why I was not there. My mom, and strongest supporter, answered the phone. She told him that I was gone. I guess, from what she told me later, was that he was inquiring as to my exact whereabouts so that he could call and get me to the party. I keep my cell phone turned off, so he was out of luck. I was told all of this in when I got home, well after midnight. Mom, being a mother, started asking me questions about the whole thing. I honestly was in the dark as to what was going on. The conversation turned to my feelings and the real me. I must admit, that it has never been easy to open up to my mother about my personal life. It�s getting better, but it�s still hard. I was on the verge of wanting to run away, but stay there and spill it all to her. She asked how I felt about the whole situation. Not good, I told her. AS I mentioned a couple of entries back, I really don�t do well at parties. I hate having to go and pretend to like meeting people. I also told her about some of the things that some family members have been saying to me. I am the only cousin, on both sides of my family, older than 20 still not married. To some this is not a good situation. I know that this is partly a �generational� mind set, and partly a �cultural� mindset (conservative, semi-small town etc.) I feel awkward about the whole thing, and it only gets worse when people start probing into how I feel. Often times when we have family get-togethers, remarks are often made about my terminal single state. Frankly, it hurts! That�s why I don�t go anymore. I�m tired of answering the same questions and having to make up the same cheesy answers! I guess it hurts too, because I really would like to have some sort of meaningful relationship in my life, with someone that I truly cared about. But, at this time, I don�t have that, and that�s alright, I have faith and patience that, God willing, this will happen. I just wish that the people in my life could realize that as well. I am fine with my life, why can�t you be? Mom, in her wisdom, advised me that I shouldn�t go and get married, just for the sake of saying that I am married; she said the same thing about dating. In my limited and young experience I know this is true. I look back at some of the relationships that I�ve been in. None of them have worked out, and I think for the better. Granted, I have my days where I think, �Oh, I remember Mr. X, and how he would always hold open the door for me, and always tell me very quietly how nice I looked whenever he saw me.� But I know that a good stable relationship cannot be built on holding the door open, although it�s a nice start. This sounds like a HUGE pity party, but that�s not how I want it to come across. I�m frustrated with the people around me, and their constant interference in a situation that I don�t feel like I have a lot of control over. I am still a good person, even if I come to the party alone! I think my feelings are being augmented by the fact that the next two weekends I have younger cousins getting married. I need and want to go to these functions, but I don�t need, nor do I want to deal with the harassment, the intrusive questions and the smug looks. Like I said, this was not meant as a pity party, or a cry for sympathy, but rather as a open display of some of the things that are swirling around in my head. The whole situation reminds me of the �Turkey Curry Buffet� scene in Bridget Jones� Diary. I am Bridget and I�m wearing my mother�s best table cloth and Una and Geoffrey Alconberry are in right in my face. All I do is smile and respond politely to their queries. When the party is over, I run screaming up the stairs! AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH! 12:25 a.m. - June 04, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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