edensgarden's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Muse comes back

...this is where I meet my muse, and it feeds me..." ~~Lisa Loeb

Recently, Lifeblood asked myself my muse was stuck somewhere. I think the answer is yes.

The last nine weeks of my life have been so whirlwind, hard, wonderful, frustrating, heartbreaking, rewarding, fulfilling and tiring. I almost feel as if myself, and by that I mean, the things that make me who I am, have been lost in the pursuit of my career, and the fulfillment of my goals. I haven�t decided if this is good or if this is bad.

I�ve thrown myself wholly into my teaching for several reasons, one is the money investment. I have spent over $6000.00 to become a teacher, not to mention the wad of cash I plunked down to go to college the first time�I have to make this work. Second, I�ve felt a duty to my students. They all deserve the most I can give them. Third, I really have nothing else to do. By this I mean, I am not at a social point in my life, I am not involved with anyone, and going out with friends is tiring and bothersome at best.

I hope that after I return home from seeing my sister that this part of my life will improve. I don�t know how to make this happen. I just wish that I could be the person I know that I need to be, and the person that I really am and be happy about it.

But at the same time I have to balance my need for solitude and space. Maybe I am afraid of finding something good again, and then loosing it. It has happened before, and was almost my undoing. I need to surround myself with good intelligent people, to stimulate my mind.

The world is tiresome and full of worry to me as well. I watch the news at night I just want to scream. I want to scream at Israelis for killing innocent people, I�m equally disgusted with Mr. Arafat and his policies.

I listen to the news about �the war on terrorism� and I want to cry. I don�t understand the hate that some people have toward others. I still cry when I hear or see pictures from September 11th. I know life can never be the same, but still I wonder why there is this pervading hate in the world. Where has it gotten us? No where.

Lately, I�ve been thinking a lot about World War II. I know it�s because that is what we have been learning at school.

Today we watched a video about the Combat Photographers. Some of the pictures they took were amazing, and some were heart wrenching.

One thing in particular that impressed me about this video was the pictures that were taken on D-day. Here were miles of boats silently floating across the English Channel to a fate that I�m sure many of these men knew was death. They came ashore and died. Did they know they would die that day? Did they contemplate this as they were sitting in the boats and trucks and planes for Zero hour? Did they say prayers, did they think about home and family? Did they want to go or were they content to face their fate?

Then to see the pictures of these men, men from all over; from places like Oklahoma, and Indiana and Oregon, come and do what was necessary in spite of the fact that by doing this they put themselves in death�s way, made me almost cry with an overwhelming feeling humility. I can�t even imagine the things they saw and the things they had to endure.

I also asked my kids some very big questions this week. Was it right to drop the Atom Bomb? Where the American lives saved by this action a fair trade for the Japanese lives taken? Was it right to inter Japanese Americans? What are �Crimes Against Humanity�?

They did a fairly good job of expressing their opinions. Some said yes, it was a necessary show of force, some said no, because the United States stooped to the level of aggressor by killing civilians. I gave no answers, only the statement that there are always hard questions when it comes to war, but most important underlying question must be, why go to war in the first place?

I think if we let the mothers of the world run the world for one week, many more lives would be spared, the problems of men would be solved and children would live without the plaguing questions that mankind has been unable to answer.

Many things expelled, many queries posed, many observations made and life still goes on. Have I found any answers by any of this? No, but at least the things that have been on my mind are now out of my mind and I can sleep.

Lifeblood, I think the muse is back.

10:37 p.m. - March 07, 2002

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next