edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A letter of reconcilliation I was really in a foul mood last night as I left school. I'd been thinking about Bryan all day. Yesterday was the first day of his Bar Exam. This is the most important exam he'll take. If he fails, then there went 3 years of law school and a considerable ammount of money. I only want the best for him. I was hopping that my good thoughts would translate into some good vibes that would help him as he tested. So, I got home. I was so antsy. I was deliberating in my mind, whether to call him or not. Would he even want to talk to me at all? So finally, to satisfy myself, I picked up the phone and dailed. The Colonel answered. He was home, oh my heart was racing, and my stomache was turning. All he said was "Hello." "Hello, B., it's me." His voice was instantly happy, like I was returning home from a long trip and he'd not talked to me in ages. Funny, how that's kind of true right now. His test was "ok" he said. It was all essay, and would be that way today too. But then he fell silent, like it was my job to make this conversaion work. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't, I didn't know where to find the words. I wished him all the best, and told him that he would be in my thoughts today and tomorrow. So in the spirit of my sister, Ms. Lifeblood, I need to purge. Here is what I wanted to say to you Bryan, maybe one day, I hope soon, I'll be able to tell you. "Dearest B., We just hung up the phone. It was good to hear your voice again. I have been thinking about what I told you two weeks ago. I was so sure then; I can't say so now. I don't know if I'm still in love with you, or I'm in love with the idea of you. But I must say, that leaving you, and our relationship was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss the fact that I could call you at anytime, to ask my obscure questions. I miss you telling me that I am beautiful. Because for once in my life, I felt beautiful. I miss how you are, and I miss you laughing at my jokes. Can we talk when you are done with your test? Can we talk when your settled in your new place? I want to hear your side of the story. I want you to tell me the things that are in your heart. Please open up to me. I want to know how much I hurt you, so that I can fix it. Do I want to get back toegther? I'm not sure. Like I just said, I don't know what the feelings are that I'm having. I want the situation both ways, but I know that this cannot be. Maybe, we can try this again, but this time not talk about the serious things. Let's just be young, and free and not worry about tomorrow. You were right, the time was too short to make a 'world without end bargain in.' I think I need to mend the fence, and try to repair what I've destroyed. Good luck on your test, I'm with you all the way, but you know that. ;) All my love, Eden" 3:06 p.m. - 2001-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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