edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Restless Soul I am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon. Just stuck inside the gloom, 4 more exits to my apartment but I am tempted to keep the car in drive and leave it all behind. I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life. Am I living it right? So what I�ve got a smile on. It�s still hiding the quiet superstitions in my head. Don�t believe me when I say I�ve got it down? I guess it�s the price I have to pay, still, �everything happens for a reason�, is not reason not to ask myself. Am I living it right? Today was a �what if� kind of a day. What should be happening, instead of what really is happening? I was sad. Every time I try to come to a resolution of the events of the last month of my life, I cannot find what I am looking for. I might never. I�ll live with the disappointment, or let it consume me. I want the former rather than the latter. I go on. I looked up at the clock right at the time Lev�s plane was to land. I just thought a million thoughts in a moment, and then I continued on with what I was doing, but the thoughts lingered. I re-evaluated my stress this week. It was zero. I made no plans, did not care and took things one day at a time. I needed that. I just was beyond caring for the things over which I have no control. The world could have blown away, and it would not have phased me this week. The long weekend looms ahead of me. I time to heal my body, and continue on the soul. I schlepped a bad full of papers and books home. I have a great chance to get ahead this weekend. I need to do that to keep my stress as low as possible. ***** I am looking forward to is going and seeing my sister in October. I�m going to be in the east once again when the autumn comes. I am so pleased about this. I plan to go and sit in the field across from my sister�s house and think. Think about all of the people that have walked there, the battles fought, the blood spilt and the changing leaves. When I was younger I found a post card in my father�s desk titled �Autumn in Pennsylvania�. The picture on the card was of a densely wooded road, overhung with tree branches covered with autumn leaves. It fascinated me, I fell in love with that picture. I�ve always wanted to become part of that picture. Now I will. I think I will always spend autumn in the east. I think it�s time to look inside myself in truth I think I�m scared of what I�ll see. Facing this discrepancy of what I am, and what I want to be. Staring at the mirror with it�s heartless gaze, I can read between the lines that go along the forehead of this anxious face that isn�t even mine. Oh, restless soul, trying hard to take control. Worn out from standing still; Knowing what I am hoping that I can find a way to make it real. 12:18 a.m. - August 31, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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