edensgarden's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please don't let me be like that... Oh it�s so late, I should be sleeping, recovering from my bout with the flu, or as I�ve been calling it, the souvenir I brought back with me from my trip. Ah, but the urge to write is too strong; I have to say what I have to say before I can rest. So, say it already! One personal whine tonight; I have a recently engaged cousin. She is driving me up the wall with her impending marriage. When she started dating her fianc�e, she became the drama queen about it; and by this I mean, she referenced him in every conversation and in every aspect of her life. �Oh life is so hectic, what with me dating and all.� Did I really just hear that come out of your mouth? Oh the shock and the horror! Damn if I don�t feel more like Bridget Jones every day! Smug marrieds! Tonight we were all gathered, as her parents have come to town to meet the fianc�e. She did it, she actually said, �Do you want to see my ring?� and flashed her hand instead of saying hello to another family member. I just never expected this from her; she normally is so level headed. I guess in the end, as much as I love my independence, I long for the security of companionship, for the feeling of being apart of something other than my own world. This is where I find my dilemma. I cherish my independence. I am responsible for myself, which at times is quite a task, but at the same time I want more. How do I balance this? And then there are all of my own insecurities about relationships and life in general. I can�t just be someone�s doormat. I don�t want to be just the person that makes the dinner, folds the clothes and runs the kids to cub scouts. I need to have my thoughts and I want to be respected. I want to be equal; I want to be loved because of my idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them. And I DO NOT want to be the kind of girl that flashes her ring as people come into the room. Oh please don�t let me become like that. I don�t want to make others feel uncomfortable or insecure because I am happy. Why do I moan on about this? I�ll just smile and sit contently. I put on a good face, and try not to be in the room when the bouquet is thrown. If I smile enough and don�t say anything, no one will know that when I go home at night I�ll be crying myself to sleep. 1:22 a.m. - March 22, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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