edensgarden's Diaryland Diary


Unsettled and restless

I am the underdog, I am the last in line. Don�t be the enemy; don�t stand in back of me. Freezing, boring, wondering where I�ll be on my birthday. You kissed me in a dream last night. How could I? I wouldn�t know...

It�s Saturday night. I sit here on the floor, surrounded by school books feeling very overwhelmed.

I have no idea as to how I should approach this next week in school.

No idea.

It�s been a restless Saturday. As the day has passed, I�ve gown increasingly more and more unsettled. I don�t know why.

I want out.

I had grand plans for today. I was going to do so much, but the motivation just waned as did the day.

I still want out.

Out of what I do not know. My life, the situations I find myself in? My friendships, relationships? The standards I�ve set for myself? Arizona, the daily grind?

I shouldn�t have read my real journal today. It just brought more questions, more insecurities, raised more doubts.

I feel like I�m on the verge of tears, and I don�t know why. The tears won�t come. This means meltdown by mid-week I�m sure.

It all comes back to the fact that I am a school teacher, who has no idea of what she�s doing. I slept thru World History, and now I teach it. I failed Economics 3 times and now I teach it, I only feel confident in Government, and I�m not so sure about that right now.

�I�m injured again, and it�s sick and I�m sucked in. I had something so dear slip away and leave me here, and it drops me down. I�m not feeling so good again, and it drops me down.�

11:40 p.m. - September 14, 2002


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